Ambivalent
by JeffersonianGirl2004
Summary: She saw the way that he looked at her, well she probably looked at him in the same way, but she had Josh. Why did love have to be so ambivalent? Post "Set Up" and "Countdown". An angsty one-shot.


_AN: I don't own Castle. If I did my life would be a whole lot better and I think I'd be besties with Stana._

_Okay so it's an angsty one-shot that came to me after I watched "Set Up" and "Countdown". The freezer scene crushed my little fangirl heart. The way she touched his chin, beautiful._

_I hope you enjoy this little insight into how I presume Kate would feel post those episodes, she would have to be conflicted by her emotions. _

_Hope you enjoy!_

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><p>A choice, Katherine Beckett had a single choice. It could either make or break everything; it could change the way the game worked. How was she to make such a decision on her own? She was so used to everything making perfect sense, for all of the facts to be spread out along the murder board at the precinct. She liked the way each of the cases fit within a timeline. She liked organisation. That was the main reason Kate struggled to cope when her heart started talking louder then head. For a woman who thought she was right she was very wrong about this one.<p>

Richard Castle was the one for her and she knew that. Kate had known that since the day she crashed his 'Storm Fall' book launch party. No she had known that since the day when she had curled up on her sofa and read his first novel. She had bought it from a local bookstore earlier that day because her love of mystery drew her in. It had pulled her into that first novel and its grasp hadn't loosened ever since.

Unlike every other man Kate had ever been involved with Richard Castle was different. The way that he thought outside of the box, the stories he made up to try and solve the cases. Kate couldn't help but chuckle as she thought about them. He would try and use his wit and charm to make it in the world but that didn't work on her, well at least she didn't let him think that it did. Castle knew that Katherine was a very strong woman but beneath that strength there was something weaker. They both knew that.

The weakness. Rick was let in on that unlike everyone else. People knew about her mother. The other detectives at the precinct, family and even some of the criminals that she had taken in for interrogation, but no one knew the case like Castle did. He may have seen her homemade murder board, but he also had seen the thirst for truth in her eyes. She had let him catch a glimpse at her emotions the same way she had let him catch a glimpse at her past. She had slipped little hints about her wild child phase that had left Castle thinking. A tattoo, a navel piercing, a motorbike. She wasn't going to tell him the whole truth though, what fun would that be?

Even though she craved Richard Castle she knew that it wasn't going to happen. How could something else come of their platonic relationship? She definitely didn't want to be the one to shift the dynamics. That was the reason why she had found Josh, the motor biking surgeon with a heart of gold. She knew that he loved her but despite that she felt as though the feeling wasn't mutual. Josh spent most of his time in Africa or Haiti doing things for the world. Setting expectations that the detective could never live up to. She knew that it was a wonderful thing for him to share his medical knowledge with under privileged people but sometimes she just wanted someone who would stand by her in her own trials and triumphs. She needed a shoulder to cry on and a Skype call definitely wasn't enough.

Ever since she had been trapped in the freezer with Castle she had felt even more of a love for the author. The way that he had held her as they awaited their frozen deaths would never be forgotten. She had snuggled to body close to his and lent her head against his chest. The way his arms felt against her frame made her feel as though she belonged.

Katherine remembered the two of them shuddering in each other's embrace. The icicles were forming on their faces. Their lips were so cold they could barely manage to let words slip by, but despite that they still shared words. She remembered the way he talked to her vividly. Each word that slipped out of his mouth and found its way into her ear.

_"Castle thank you for being there."_

_"Always."_

She remembered moving her hand to his chin and touching it softly. His arms stayed tightly around her small freezing figure. They both held on. It was like the movie Titanic. The way that they held on was reminiscent of what Rose and Jack had to go through after the ship sunk. Castle wasn't ever going to let go though, they were going to die together because neither of them could ever accept being apart.

She didn't know if Josh would have done the same for her. He may have but it really depended on whether he was actually in the same country as her. Katherine didn't think that she could be happy if the guy who was meant to be her one and only wasn't going to be there to hold her. She had never even actually opened up to Josh either. She loved him but not in the same way she loved Castle.

Love was a strange emotion. It seemed that each time Beckett learned to love someone it only lead her into situations where she was faced with choices. Kate didn't know what to do, whom to turn to. She knew that the decisions would all have to be hers. She knew what she wanted but that didn't mean that he wanted it too. She may have been ambivalent about love but she was certain about one thing. She wanted Richard Castle.

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><p><em>AN: I hope you enjoyed. Please read and review, it's very inspiring to see what you guys think. Also, yeah, incase it isn't blatantly obvious, I hate Josh. Her breaking up from him got an exuberant scream from me. I hated the way he blamed Castle :(<em>

_Please Review!_


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